he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
