He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
