Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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