And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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