Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
