I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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