can u get pink eye on your cock?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
