Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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