sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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