there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Cover your peen. We're going out.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
