im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
