if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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