I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
