can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
