I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
