I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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