how can u be prego again
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All the doctor said was why
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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