she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize