forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The feeling are messing with the penis
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
be right there i have to get my cape
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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