I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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