I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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