How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i can't believe i had my finger in that
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
