toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
