I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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