sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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