Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
