The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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