I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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