My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
