i'm signing you up for texting rehab
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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