The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
