I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
