What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I touched a dick in church today
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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