He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this will be a night to untag.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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