If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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