They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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