You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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