and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
