We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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