She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
