There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
my poor anus
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
