He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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