We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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