He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I need moral support for this bender
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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