I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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