lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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