i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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