I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
