He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
