Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
