we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no you cant smoke seaweed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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