the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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