I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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