The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
