I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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