K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
