Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
3 2 1 whiskey
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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