Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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