Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
