Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
