get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
