Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
