I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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