i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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