Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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